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Dear American liberals, leftist, social progressives, socialist, Marxists and Obama supporters, et al:

March 2, 2009


Dear American liberals, leftist, social progressives, socialist, Marxists and Obama supporters, et al: 

We have stuck together since the late 1950’s, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has run its course. Our two ideological sides of  America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right so let’s just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way. 

 Here is a model separation agreement: 

 Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes. 

We don’t like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. Since you hate guns and war, we’ll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O’Donnell (You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them). 

We’ll keep the capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street . You can have your beloved homeless, homeboys, hippies and illegal aliens. We’ll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO’s and rednecks. We’ll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood .  

 You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we’ll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we’ll help provide them security. 

We’ll keep our Judeo-Christian values. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N.. but we will no longer be paying the bill.  

We’ll keep the SUVs, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.  

You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors. We’ll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right. We’ll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem. I’m sure you’ll be happy to substitute Imagine, I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing, Kum Ba Ya or We Are the World .  

We’ll practice trickle down economics and you can give trickle up poverty your best shot. Since it often so offends you, we’ll keep our history, our name and our flag.  

Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I’ll bet you ANWAR which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.  


John J. Wall 

 Law Student and an American  

 P.S. Also, please take Barbara Streisand & Jane Fonda with you. 

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  1. Randy permalink
    March 2, 2009 11:15 PM

    Loved your Open letter to the dims, I will pass it on, with permission. I hope you will be running for President. I will vote for you.

  2. Justin permalink
    March 11, 2009 4:31 PM

    “We’ll keep our Judeo-Christian values…” hmmm, I think you have to reexamine your entire thought here then…

    Remember upon the conduct of each depends the fate of all.

  3. mike permalink
    March 24, 2009 1:18 PM

    your divorce is granted… leave, but the country stays….

    throughout our history, we Americans have been able to live together and show the rest of the world that people with different ideas, different race, different gender, different religions, different backgrounds could co-exist in this great melting pot. We have long been the symbol of hope, a shining city on a dark hill as President Reagan once put it. We have been a country that has different ideas, went to the polls, and elected a leader to follow.

    I did not like the fact that Bush took nearly 8 mins to get out of his chair after the planes hit the towers…but I didn’t wanna leave America

    I did not like that Bush failed miserable in catching Bin Laden when he had the chance in Tora Bora…but I didn’t wanna leave America

    I did not like it when Bush lied to this nation about WMDS AND Al Qaeda being in Iraq….but I didn’t wanna leave America

    I did not like the patriot act…which took more freedom from America than Bin Laden ever did…..but I didn’t wanna leave America

    The fact is in November 2008, we Americans picked Obama to be our president. There were 10 MILLION MORE votes for Obama than there were for John McCain. If we can live 8 yrs under Bush, you can live 8 under Obama.

    If you are gonna pucker up, cry like a spoiled little baby, and leave America….THEN GO! But you are not taking America with you

    Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!!!

  4. March 24, 2009 5:15 PM

    Hey Mike. Could you be specific about the freedoms that the Patriot Act took from you? I mean, actually identify and enumerate?

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